Returning to work after parental leave

Maybe talking to other adults and going to the toilet without an audience sounds appealing? To be sure, there are undeniably some things that will feel exotic about your return to work after parental leave, but to be honest, it can also be a little scary. Because whether you’ve loved your time on parental leave or you’re counting down the days before it’s time to go back to work, for many people the transition to working life and the idea of not spending essentially every waking hour with the baby can be daunting. Maybe you’re worried that you won’t remember how things work at the office; it might also just feel really hard to be away from your baby for more than five minutes.

How long should you be on parental leave?

It’s easy to look at what others are doing and think there should be some kind of norm or rule for when it’s time to go back to work. And it isn’t out of the ordinary to feel pressure from friends, colleagues, or society in general to do things a certain way. But try to listen to your instincts (and to your partner’s, if you have one). In general, people who take parental leave very rarely regret that time, even if it isn’t always a walk in the park. Parents who don’t have the opportunity to stay home for long often look back and feel like they missed an important period in both their own and their baby’s life. But this is about your baby and your family, so do what feels best for you. Many people likely have approximate plans even before the baby arrives for how long they intend to be home, and how to allocate their time with a co-parent. But since it’s impossible to predict how parental leave will feel, you can always adjust later on if you want to.

When is the best time for your child to start preschool or nursery school?

All children are different, so it’s hard to say exactly what is the best age to begin preschool. It can often be easier for your child if they can walk and eat without help, and if there are not other big changes happening in their life at the same time, such as a sibling on the way. But that said, it isn’t always up to us: eventually, parental leave comes to an end and most of us have to go back to work. In that case, trust that preschool is often a great place for little ones to be while their parents are at work.

If you have the opportunity to stay home longer and you’re happy to do so, then you don’t have to worry about your child falling behind socially. Before 3–4 years of age, children don’t have any particular need for the greater social context they’ll encounter at preschool. The familiarity of home and the security of mum or dad is actually more than enough. Preschool is actually mainly so that adults can go to work; it isn’t primarily a need for young children.

But regardless of when and if your child starts preschool, it’s important to try to find the most secure and harmonious place possible for your child, and to help you out, we’ve got some tips on choosing a preschool and what to keep in mind as your child first starts attending.

An adjustment period for the child

While it might be hard to believe that your baby, who you’ve been with all day every day, now has to manage without you for several hours a day, it usually goes better than expected once the change is made. Like every major change, those first few days and weeks can stir up a lot of strong feelings. But before you know it, these new habits will be in full swing and your child will have embraced the new normal.

During that first shaky period of adjustment, it might help if the parent who has now gone back to work focuses completely on the child while at home. For the child, it will be nice if at least a few hours per day feel the way they used to. If you have a partner, and if it’s at all feasible, it might also be a good idea to avoid spending super long days at the office; alternatively, try coming home at lunch for a few extra snuggles with your child. Where possible, many parents overlap in between periods of parental leave: both parents work part time and both take leave part time. This option provides a gentle transition and can make the adjustment a bit less stressful for everyone.

But however you choose to divvy things up, your child will likely have an emotional reaction to the change, which can be difficult to handle if you already feel guilty and would have preferred to stay at home. Just try to remember that your child has to be permitted to react to things that feel different, and that there’s no harm in it as long as a comforting adult is there to soothe, cuddle and play with the child, and to make life lovely in general. Your child will adjust to the new circumstances and enjoy how things are now as much as they enjoyed how things used to be. It’s a wonderful gift for a child to get to know both of their parents, or other adults, in the unique way that you get to during the first year.

Tips and advice for returning to work after parental leave

Going back to work after parental leave isn’t just an adjustment for the child, but also for the parent heading back to the office. Juggling a family and work is a fresh challenge as a new parent and it’s important to take care of yourself as you start to work again. Here are a few tips on what to keep in mind:

• Allow your feelings, whatever they may be. You’re going through huge life adjustment, so give that the space it deserves in your life.
• It might be a comforting thought that for most people, it usually feels fine after a while; it might even be fun to be around adults again.
• Have faith that you still know what you’re doing. People often worry that they’ve become obsolete or forgot everything they knew during the time they spent changing nappies and warming milk. But of course, that hasn’t happened – in fact, it can often be beneficial to think about something else for a while. Many people find that they return to work with a fresh perspective. You might say that going on parental leave makes you smarter.
• Do you have a partner who has taken over as the parent on leave? Keep in mind that this is when they get to develop a close relationship with the baby – and ask for a few pictures of what they’re up to during the day. It can be nice to get little reports from home.
• If your child has started preschool, it’s going to be a bigger adjustment for everyone. Talk to your employer to see if you can ease back into work a bit, for example by minimising tight deadlines or going easy on the workload. In some places you are legally entitled to work less when you have young children; see what applies where you live.
• If you are combining part-time parental leave and work for a while, one suggestion is to try to leave work behind when you’re with your child. Being available to your colleagues while also changing nappies or putting a baby to sleep isn’t always easy. In fact, the risk is high that instead, you’ll feel inadequate in every sphere, and even if you manage to do it all, your health may take a hit.
• Lower your ambitions and/or focus on fewer things at work. Many employers actually find parents of young children to be more efficient, most likely because they simply have to learn to prioritise.
• When you finally have time for a peaceful lunch or coffee break on your own – or in the company of other adults – be sure to take the break. Prioritising is good, but you shouldn’t become so efficient that your recovery suffers.
• If you reduce your working hours while your kids are young, discuss with your partner (if you have one) what that entails from a practical and financial standpoint, simply because the parent who cuts back on working hours shouldn’t suffer financially, have a lower pension, and have sole responsibility for unpaid housework.

Since we’re all different, with different needs, the most important thing is to do what’s best for your family. Because that is the biggest change of all when you return to work from parental leave: you have a new family and a new lifestyle for your work to fit into now.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.